Learning to let go

Of control, that is.

I'm a planner and live and die by a schedule.  Having a baby has taught me or is in the process of teaching me to let go and be more flexible.

Several friends recommended the book, Babywise, to me.  It's basically a guide to help your baby sleep throughout the night and has an emphasis on scheduled feedings with a little parent intuition rather than feeding on demand.

Anyway, you'd think it'd be right up my alley,  but babies give zero fucks about schedule.  I tried so hard and stressed so much that Baby Girl was not staying on schedule and wouldn't nap for long enough.  I felt like such a failure that the formula of Eat, Wake, Sleep was not working for me.  One and a half hour naps were only lasting 45 minutes for me.  I was timing naps and playtime and feedings and it was driving me crazy and adding to my stress.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, but you know what?  All babies are different.

For my own sanity, I had to stop.  If she's only napping for 45 minutes, I should be glad she got that nap in.  If it takes me 30 minutes of crying to get her to sleep, then it's ok.  If I'm creating sleep habits and sleep associations, I'll deal with breaking them later.  Right now, I'm only concerned that she is happy, gaining weight, and generally healthy.

*breathes in*
*exhales*

Pretty Pleased

If you've ever spent any time with my mom, you know she's a little (a lot) OCD.  I think I picked up a little of that from her.

I got a manicure and pedicure on Sunday.  A sweet little treat for myself away from the baby.  Thanks hubster.  Usually the place I go to is amazing, both manicure (shellac) and pedicure last forever.  My luck ran out.  I had chipped my big toe sometime during the night and saw it during my middle of the night feeding of Baby Girl.

I was more upset that it lasted less than 24 hours, but that giant chip just ate and ate and ate away at me.  It's a good thing that I knew the name of the color because 9 out of 10 times I get this color.  It's China Glaze's Flip Flop Fantasy.  Before going back to bed, I googled where they sell China Glaze and instructions on how to fix a chip.

After my morning run and feeding Baby Girl, we made a field trip to Sally Beauty supply where I spent $27 to fix a chip on a $25 pedicure!  I bought the nail polish, a good top coat, pure acetone, and a nail buffer.  I justify all this because I needed most of those items anyway and can now do my own pedicures, but not totally forgo them.

I spent about 15 minutes fixing it and I'm pretty pleased with the results.

Baby Girl and I also stopped by Target because it's on the way home and returned one of the onesies I bought (we kept the bigger one) and I bought some pants and a hat for her on clearance.  It's Target, you never leave empty handed whether you want to or not.

I Just Can't

I don't even know if that is even proper English, but I just can't deal with my mom sometimes.  She's your typical Asian parent where everything is too expensive and should be free.

Case in point:

We talked about seeing the Lion King when it comes to San Diego.  I think my brother put the idea in her head.  I saw it with said brother and some friends in Costa Mesa last year.  It was good.  She asked how much I paid and said $50.  They weren't the best seats (in the top most section), but you can still see and I enjoyed it.

In San Diego, it's in the San Diego Civic theater which is where we saw the Nutcracker this past Christmas.  I showed her where we sat and said they were good seats.  For Lion King, I think they were going for $80.  She asked how much I paid for the seats for the Nutcracker.  It's a completely different show, but the same seat, so the price should be the same... local ballet company vs touring Broadway show.  Yep, totally get it!

I show her the cheapest tickets on the Ticketmaster site.  They are either in the farthest away from the stage and to the far corners or are listed as seats with sight obstructions.  Duh, they ARE the cheapest tickets!

She just scoffs.  Who would pay for those seats?  Who would pay for any seats?!?!

I'm done.  I just can't.

Discovery!

It's amazing what one can learn when one reads the manual that comes with things!

Yesterday was a sleeping struggle for all of us.  I was completely wiped out from a 2 mile run, then 3 mile walk and Baby Girl was just not into napping.  She had one good nap and I was dying for a nap.  I should have taken the nap when she napped like they say you should, but I was researching day care options.

Anyway, she skipped over her 7 pm nap and after 1.5 hours of trying to get her to nap, I gave up and fed her where she promptly fell asleep while nursing.  She didn't nurse for long, so I was convinced she would be up in 2 hours, but surprisingly she made it to 2:30 am!  When I heard her over the monitor, I went to mute it so that the crying didn't wake up the hubster.  I hit something that made the camera turn off.  After I fed Baby Girl and put her back in her crib, I had to figure out what the heck I did.

I pulled up the manual online and was able to get the monitor to work again.  I also found that the monitor has a power saving function where it sleeps until it registers a noise and turns itself back on.  That's great because I've been putting a towel over it to block the light when I sleep.

Something I never would have known about if I hadn't accidentally turned off the camera.

If I had a nickel...

For every time Egg Roll gets locked in the  nursery, I'd have a lot of nickels. 

Egg Roll loves to follow me around the house. Wherever I'm at, she's sure to be right behind me or in a location where she can watch me. So every time I'm in the nursery, she's under the bed. She used to be on the bed, but we got a new chair which is too short for her to use as a launching pad on to the bed. She is not pleased. 

Anyway, every time I put the baby down and leave the room, Egg Roll is a bit too slow to follow or too wary of me telling her to get out that she inevitably gets locked in. Then after 10 minutes and we realize that she is "missing", we let her out. 

So annoying. I expect my dogs to be relatively self sufficient at this point. Well as self sufficient as a dog can be. 

Click Bait

Maybe I'm using the term incorrectly, but I hate fucking Facebook posts or tweets that go like "Soandso does XYZ, but wait until you see why" or "watch what he does next"

Even if I really want to see what happens next, I don't click on principle.

Watermelon!

I think I really need this towel.

On the move again

I had my six week postpartum visit with the doctor and everything looks good.  I've been cleared to start exercising again!  Woohoo!

I've been on two runs so far and while it's been tiring, it feels so good to be moving again.  These are short, slow runs, but I'm getting out there.  The jogging stroller is awesome though a beast to get up even small inclines.

One side effect I've noticed is that my feet are in extreme need of exfoliating.  I'm shedding dead skin cells like crazy!  It's really gross.  Maybe I'm rebuilding my callouses from my two month hiatus on running.

My Baby Is A Terrorist

Not in the way of ISIS or Al-Qaeda, but her cries strike terror in my heart, just today anyway.  She was doing so well with napping and sleeping or maybe I was doing so well with her sleep schedule, but today, she has been a nightmare.  I think she got one solid nap in and I totally broke down in the car on the way to and from dinner with my family tonight.

I was hoping she would be tired enough to go down easy tonight, but that's not the case.  I even rocked her to sleep against all the fucking baby book advice.  Every time she cries, I cringe.  A few times, she settled back in by herself, but she is now on a crying binge.  I'm going to have PTSD from this baby.

Sleep Progress?

Every time we have a little victory in the sleep department, I always wonder if it's really progress and she's learning the routine I'm trying to set down for her or if it's a fluke.  A mean joke she is playing on us.

I am truly committing to Babywise!  That means:

• Consistent first feeding
• Not nursing to sleep (during the day - I'm not quite ready to give it up for the middle of the night feeds)
• Keeping Elise up for wake time (this is easier to swallow since she favors her left side more and we need tummy time to avoid a flat spot and strengthen her neck muscles)
• Keeping to the routine I've created

I'm so committed I spent the morning typing up the consistent steps to her routine.  I printed out three copies.  One for above the crib, one by where the hubster camps out on the couch, and one for the kitchen table.

So today, the first cycle didn't pan out and she wouldn't go down even after three cycles of trying to soothe and put her down.  Finally caved and rocked her to sleep in my arms so she would have at least an hour nap.  I realized that that is ok.  She's not going to learn right away.  So 3-4 attempts to get her to sleep on her own is enough for her and if we keep at it, she'll get it.  She's got the hubster's and my brains, and she's always exceeded expectations.  I also learned that 4 attempts to get her down was too many and after the third crying session is when I should help her sleep by any means necessary.  That way, hopefully, we can fit in a 1.5 hour nap as opposed to 1 hour.

It worked out for the next feeding.  We kept her up for the wake time and she slept through to the next feeding.  We cheated a little because we drove to brunch with family, but that's life.  We came home after some shopping and fed her.  We attempted wake time by doing some tummy time for the neck strengthening and some back time on the play mat for just general fun time.  She was yawning all over the place and was awake for 35 minutes.  I'm watching for the sleepy cues and even though it's not as long as I wanted, I followed her lead and took her into the nursery for some nap prep.

I put her down and she slept!  No fussing or crying and she was drowsy, but not asleep when I put her in the crib.  Progress or so I hope.  I'm staying optimistic!

Go Elise go!

Disney Avenger 10K Race Costume

I'm 50% of the way done with my costume for the Avengers 10K.  I have decided on dressing up as Vanellope Von Schweetz from Wreck It Ralph. 

It's not a Marvel super hero, but still Disney.  There aren't many Marvel super heroes to choose from and they are so overdone.  Another reason I picked this costume is because it's going to be cold at 5:30 in the morning in November in Anaheim.  Sure it may warm up during the race, but I don't want to freeze in the beginning.  This is a hoodie and tights!

I already had a brown sparkle running skirt from my Russel costume from the last Disney 10K I ran, so that was a sunk cost/free!  Getting a teal/aqua/mint hoodie and tights shouldn't be too expensive since I have time to look and that is a popular color.  I've looked into making the tights and I can either buy the correct color and make elastic stripes to wear or buy white and use fabric paint.  All doable before November.

My older brother is in town and we had brunch today.  Afterwards, the hubster and I ventured over to Sports Authority since they filed bankruptcy and are going out of business.  I got an email saying everything was 40-60% off.  You can never have enough athletic wear.  I found this sweatshirt which was marked down 50% with an additional 40% off, making it $20.  I like it well enough to wear outside of the race, so I picked it up.

I also picked up a North Face hoodie for $24.  Overall, not a bad visit, thought I shouldn't really be spending so much since I'm on maternity leave.

All that is left is to get the tights and buy the accessories for hair and putting finishing touches on the rest of the costume!

The Internet is Evil

We've been having a rough past few days.  Elise is super fussy and won't sleep for longer than 45 minutes.  It takes 90 minutes to get her to go down.  The hubster and I are both struggling.  So what do I do when I don't know what's going on?  I google it, of course.  Big mistake!

For every question I ask, there are a billion different answers that contradict each other and could all potentially work.  Implementing them also becomes a problem.  As an engineer, you would think I would make one change to see if there is an improvement and that these changes are not a one and done kind of attempt.  It's more like they need a week to see if it pans out.  Patience is in short supply in this household and getting shorter with each sleepless night.

I question myself constantly and don't know if I'm doing anything right.  I feel like a failure most times.  To see that precious little face in a silent heart wrenching cry is more than i can bear most times, and to not be able to do anything to make it stop.

Last night, I found myself driving around at 1:30 in the morning with a fussy baby in the back.  She was crying non stop up until I put her in the car seat.  She was quiet, but still awake by the time we got home.  She fussed some more, but no crying. I fed her and put her in her crib with no real expectation that she would sleep and wouldn't you know it.  She slept for 3 hours!  Then in the morning, I fed her and she slept again.  And for this next feeding!  What is going on?  Such a rollercoaster!

It's ironic because this morning I had resolved to try to keep her more awake during the day to see if that helps her sleep at night, but it's so hard to wake her up when she's sleeping after so many sleepless nights.  Maybe I'm shooting myself in the foot here by ignoring all the internet information, but I've decided I don't care.  I'm going to do what works for me and my baby.

My Birth Story: Part 2

So last we left off, we had just confirmed that Elise was still in a breech position and we would be going ahead with the C-section.  It had been scheduled for 2 pm on Thursday.  That meant another early morning breakfast and fasting throughout the day.

I had already packed a hospital bag for last Wednesday for the version in case things went sideways, so I made some last minute adjustments, coordinated with my parents on when they would be at the hospital, and set my alarm for 5 am and went to sleep.

I woke up at 5 am and ate the same breakfast I had a week earlier: bagel, banana, and water, then went back to sleep.  We had to check in at noon, so we were out the door in no time.  We had dropped the dogs off at my parents the night before as to not be stressed before the surgery.  I was really nervous since I've never had major surgery before and anxious that I was going to be a real mom soon.

We went through the registration process where I was shocked back to reality when the registration woman asked if I wanted to pay part of my crazy high deductible today.  I didn't even think about that, but luckily had my FSA card and emptied it toward the deductible, but sadly it made a small dent in it.  FYI max contribution to FSA is $2550 and since I knew I was pregnant last year and had an estimate of the cost, I contributed the max if that gives you an idea of my deductible =(

After the payment was made, we were taken upstairs to surgery prep where I was shaved, given an IV, blood was taken, filled out a bunch of forms, tested for MRSA, and set up with a fetal monitor.  We were here for the next two hours.  My doctor and the anesthesiologist both stopped by to chat, but it really didn't do anything to calm my nerves.  We did do one last ultrasound to confirm she was still breeched.  During this time, my parents made it to the hospital and even though they told us that I was only allowed one person with me in this part of the process, my parents still managed to find their way in and stayed for 15-20 minutes.  I'm pretty sure my mom was pretty nervous for everyone.

Before I knew it, the hubster was suited up and I was being walked to the operating room.  Everything from here on out happened really fast.  I didn't even have time to think.  I was just doing what everyone told me to do.  I left my husband at the entrance to the OR where he would be coming in shortly.  Once inside the OR, I was put on the table and given the spinal block.  Once that had taken effect, a catheter was inserted.  The doctor came in and I'm pretty sure she started before the hubster had come in.

Thankfully, the hubster had entered and before I knew it, things were getting real.  The table was shaking and the hubster stood up to video the whole thing.  (If you want to see if, shoot me an email!)  I was soon introduced to my darling baby girl, Elise.  Of course, this wasn't a vaginal delivery so I couldn't even hold her.  I saw her with the nurse and the hubster was holding her tiny little hand and all I could do was watch and cry.  I think the hubster was mesmerized by her because he was totally ignoring me.  At this point, I was getting nauseous and let the anesthesiologist know and she put something into my IV to help with it.

I was sewn back up and the hubster left with the nurse and Elise to get some drops put in and measurements taken.  I was then taken to my recover room.  Side note: They have this really cool apparatus that you are laying on and inflates with air and makes it super easy to transfer a patient from the operating table to the gurney.  It was amazing!

In the recovery room, I finally got to hold my baby and I was not ready.  She was laying on my chest doing skin to skin and she was moving around and I didn't know what to do. I kept repeating "I don't know what to do".  This was also the first time that she latched on.  The hubster spent some time with me and was sending pictures to my mom about the baby.  Her response was "When can we come in?".  So my mom.  The hubster took this as his cue to swap places with her and she met her first grandchild.  Then she swapped with my dad who wanted to take pictures of me while precariously covered up.  During all these visits, the nurses were asking questions about if any feeling was coming back into my legs and if I could move them and intermittently checking the bleeding going on down there and status of my uterus.

I also got major waves of nausea and needed to get more nausea medication into the IV.  I spent two hours in the recovery room and it went by very quickly.  They moved me up to the postpartum room where I would spend the next 4 days.  On this trip up, this is where my modesty would start to leave me.  I had a male attendant taking me upstairs and on the way, Elise started crying.  I did the only thing I knew to do to make her stop.  I tried to get her to latch and feed. /shrug Moms gotta do what a moms gotta do!

The hubster was waiting for me in the room and we settled in as a happy family for the first time.  And that is how Elise came into this world.  The following hours and days are a whole different story which neither of us were prepared for.

Where I Lose My Shit

Today was one of my worst nightmares.  I experienced my first parent panic attack.  Elise was not being very cooperative this afternoon and so I was wearing her in my wrap.  I had her asleep on the hammock, but the transition to the bed was not very smooth and she promptly woke up and started crying.  Nothing seemed to soothe her, so I threw her back in the wrap.  She would nod off every so often, but only when I was walking.  Every time I sat down, her eyes would pop open!

So I figured I might as well make good use of my time and started to gather everything to make banana bread (I had the bananas thawing in the fridge).  Well, as I was transferring the mixer from the rack to the counter, I had inadvertently placed the mixer on top of Elise's pinky toe!!!!!!

She let out a wail and I lost my shit once I saw what had happened. I looked at her toe and realized I had no idea whether it looked broken, if it was broken?!?!?  Those mixers are heavy!  I immediately run to my phone and call the hubster who was in the garage, the whole time screaming "PICK UP, PICK UP, PICK UP" and then when he answers I yell "WE NEED TO GO THE ER".  I then realize Elise is only wearing a diaper and still in the wrap.  I run into the nursery to get her out of the wrap and dressed so that I can put her in the car seat.

The hubster is now in the house and notices that the baby is quiet.  I'm so confused because a baby with a broken toe would be not be quiet, right?  The mixer has scrapped some skin, but otherwise, it looked fine.  We felt the non-injured toe and tried to compare it to the injured one, but her toes are so tiny who would know if there was anything wrong.  We decided that we would monitor it and if it starts to bruise, we'd go to the doctors or urgent care.

I'm still racked with guilt.

Old Habits

I had outgrown sleeping in. Pre-pregnancy, I was usually up by 8 on the weekends to go on runs or slept in until 9 am at most. Now with the baby and I live in three hour increments, I'm exhausted, but still can't force myself to sleep past 9:30 am even if I'm running on 4 hours of sleep. Like last night for example, I was until 4 am due to a certain screaming bundle and up again at 7 am for a feeding and back in bed at 8 am only to wake up at 9:30 am. It just feels lazy or wasteful to sleep during waking hours. 

Captain's log: day 30 - One month!

One month is a different milestone than 4 weeks, right?

Our little peanut is one month old today!  She's kicking butt at tummy time, has learned to use a bottle and a pacifier in the last week. She's got a pretty consistent schedule though I wouldn't call her a good sleeper, but we've gotten pretty good at deducing what's keeping her from sleeping. 

My college friend Lynn stopped by to visit with her husband and their adorable daughter Penelope. They brought lunch and a belated shower gift. 

It always seems like a luxury to have people over nowadays, but even better when it's another parent. I find I like discussing the trials and tribulations of being a new parent. 

The quilt she made me is amaze-balls. I love it!  Lynn is very talented!

Captain's log: day 29 - Goldilocks

Elise must have been Goldilocks in another life. She needs just the right amount of food in her for her to nap/sleep properly. Too little and her naps are too short. Too much and she cries for hours until she spits up everything. It doesn't help that the hubster insists that I feed her when he can't get her to settle down which leads to more overfeed spit up situations where I am usually the recipient of said spit up

We're working on learning her cues. 

My Birth Story: Part 1

I figured I would throw this out there.

My birth story actually starts a little more than a week before Elise arrived.  I had a regularly scheduled appointment for Monday and the doctor was going to do a cervix check to see how far along I was and to make sure Elise was in the right position of head down.  Lo and behold, she was not.  She was head up and after what happened over the next couple of days, I think she was head up the entire time!

I had no real set birth plan, but I was a little devastated that I was hearing the words C-section for my delivery.  I had no visions of a medication free labor, more of a go as long as I can stand the pain and then get an epidural approach, but I did want to experience labor.  All the studies that state vaginal is better for the baby didn't help either.

The doctor let me know my options.  I could proceed and schedule the C-section or I could try a procedure called an external cephalic version where you manually try to turn the baby right side up.  The risks of the procedure would all end in an emergency C-section if they were realized and the success rate was 50%.  I was barely holding it together and near tears, so I said I needed to talk to my husband.  I also realized that if the procedure was scheduled for that week than my mom and dad were both out of town and I wanted at least my mom here if something went wrong.

The hubster and I discussed it at home and decided we wanted to give it a shot.  In hindsight, after receiving the bill for the version, we might not have done it, but then again, with my insurance, I was going to meet my high deductible anyway.  I guess I didn't know how much I wanted a vaginal birth until then.  Funny how things change... and change.

The version was scheduled for Wednesday, I had to fast for 8 hours beforehand and it was a 1 pm appointment.  I was hungry!  Overall, the version is pretty straightforward.  They monitored the baby for about 30 minutes to make sure everything was ok in babyland.  I got some meds to make my uterus relax.  They lubed me up and the doctor just used her hands to manipulate the baby.

Let me add that prior to making the decision to proceed with the version, I had watched youtube videos of other versions.  It didn't seem so bad, but I later found out that in the States, they don't give pain medication for the version, so I felt every push and turn.  And it hurt.  They got Elise about 80% of the way turned, but just couldn't get her to settle into my pelvis.  The doctor wanted to try to go the other direction, but I was done.  The version wasn't even the worst part.  They had to monitor me and the baby for another hour before releasing me to ensure that the baby would not have an adverse reaction to the procedure.  That wasn't going to happen.  I was having contractions (the ones I couldn't feel) too often and they kept me for another 2 hours.  That is 3 extra hours of not eating.  I had not had anything to eat since 4:20 am and was not released from the hospital until 5:00 pm which had us fighting traffic to get home and to get food!

The good news was that the doctor was able to unset Elise's butt from my pelvis and that offered a little hope that she may turn on her own prior to the C-section which was scheduled for the following Thursday and I had a regular appointment on Wednesday.  The days leading up to the Wednesday appointment, I swear Elise was moving in new places and I had hopes that she had moved, but at the same time, I didn't want her to move.  It had taken some time and lots of tears to accept the C-section.  It was major surgery and not what I had first envisioned, but it came down to getting Elise into this world as safely as possible.  It was also nice knowing exactly when she was due and prior to that week, I had not felt any contractions.

On Wednesday, we confirmed that she had not moved one bit and was quite happy and content in her current position.  Thursday was on!  We had planned a semi-nice dinner out as a last hurrah as non-parents.  It was kind of surreal and with the C-section the next day, it was kind of hard to enjoy it.

That was a long post for not including any part of the actual birth.  Stay tuned for part 2 which I promise will end in a baby!

Maternity Wardrobe

Let's start off saying that I hate maternity clothes.  I hate how everything is either an empire waist or ruched.  I knew very early on that I didn't want to waste money on strictly maternity clothes and wanted clothes that I could potentially wear after I gave birth.  I also knew that some maternity clothes could not be avoided (i.e. pants).  So here is a list clothes that I bought while pregnant.

1. Splendid Maternity Tank
2. Paige Maternity Jeans - Verdugo Ultra Skinny in Nottingham
3. Paige Maternity Jeans - Verdugo Ultra Skinny in Black Shadow
4. H&M Basic Tank Top
5. J. Crew Factory red sleeveless shell
6. Free People Pearls V-Neck T-Shirt
7. Vince Camuto Short Sleeve High/Low hem blouse
8. Splendid Maternity Leggings
9. Rebecca Minkoff Raven Striped Dress
10. Kohls Black Maxi
11. Kohls Black Striped Maxi
12. Gray T-shirt
13. White Thermal
14. Free People Sweater
15. Anthropologie Ballet Sweater
16. Grey Sweater Tunic
17. ASOS white denim maternity shorts
18. Vince Camuto Organza High/Low hem dress
19. Ascis Everysport Shorts
20. Adidas Running Shorts

Of the items listed, only 4 are specifically maternity (i.e. contain panels or extra length).  Even the Splendid tank top could be worn as a regular tank top although long.  Most of the items I simply sized up.  I usually like things fitted (not tight, but fit well to my body), but I think these items I will still wear.  I'm finding that many of the items are working well for me postpartum before I lose all the baby weight especially the shorts now that it's summer and HOT in Poway.

I wasn't really keeping track of the number of items I was buying, but I really didn't think it would tally to 18!  That seems like a high number, but consider how much I would have spent and what I would have bought over the course of 10 months if I weren't pregnant, I think I did exercise restraint.